Attraction to trans men

You are attracted to a trans man and wondering what that means. Or you have been for a while, but have never talked about it with anyone. Maybe you are wondering if it is “normal,” if it changes your sexual orientation, if there is something wrong with you. The short answer: no, nothing is wrong. Trans men are men. Attraction to a trans man is attraction to a man.

This article explores what scientific research says, why stigma exists, how to distinguish genuine attraction from fetishization, and why shame should have no place in your relationships.

Trans men are men: the starting point

First, a premise that should not be necessary but that the cultural context makes essential. A trans man is a person who was assigned female at birth and who identifies as a man. His gender identity is male. The world’s major medical and psychological organizations — from the American Psychological Association to the World Health Organization — recognize that transgender identities are normal variants of human experience, not pathologies [11].

This means that if you are a woman attracted to a trans man, you are a woman attracted to a man. If you are a man attracted to a trans man, you are a man attracted to a man. The body of origin, the medical pathway, and the personal history do not modify the gender identity of the person you are attracted to.

Attraction: what science says

Sexual orientation and transgender people

Attraction to transgender people has been the subject of growing scientific research over the past decade. A 2019 study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships (Blair and Hoskin) examined the preferences of 958 participants regarding potential dating partners [1]. The results showed that 87.5% of the sample excluded trans people from their pool of potential partners, with cisgender heterosexual people most likely to do so [1]. But the relevant finding for readers of this article is different: those who expressed willingness to date trans people showed a more marked preference for trans men over trans women.

This suggests that the exclusion of trans people from dating is not an immutable biological fact, but a phenomenon strongly influenced by social norms, information, and prejudice. Bisexual, queer, and nonbinary people were significantly more open to relationships with trans people, with 55% including them among potential partners [1].

There is no “orientation for trans people”

Attraction to a trans man is not a separate sexual orientation. There is no diagnostic category, no “paraphilia,” no clinical condition. The American Psychological Association’s guidelines for clinical practice with transgender and gender nonconforming people (2015) are clear: transgender identities are normal variants of human experience, and attraction to transgender people falls within the normal variability of human sexuality [11].

If you search online, you might find the term “skoliosexuality,” which describes attraction to trans or nonbinary people. This term is not a diagnosis but a descriptive label that some people find useful. You are not required to use it. You can define yourself as straight, gay, bisexual, queer, or not define yourself at all. The label is a tool, not a cage.

Stigma: why we feel shame

If you feel shame about your attraction, you are not the only person in this situation. And the problem is not you: it is the context.

The shame comes from outside

Stigma toward trans people extends to their partners and to anyone who expresses attraction toward them. A 2018 study on Italian transgender people analyzed the mechanism of internalized transphobia, identifying four dimensions: shame, alienation, investment in passing, and reduction of identity pride [10]. This same mechanism operates, in a different form, on those attracted to trans people. Society transmits the message that this attraction is “strange,” “deviant,” or suspicious, and those who receive it can internalize it to the point of feeling ashamed of their own feelings.

A 2021 meta-synthesis on the relational experiences of trans people and their partners documented that stigma experienced in relationships damages the well-being of both the trans person and the cisgender partner [12]. The shame that society attributes to those who are with a trans person amplifies insecurity, relational difficulties, and isolation.

The specific stigma toward those attracted to trans men

Attraction to trans men intersects two taboos simultaneously. On one hand, the stigma toward trans people in general. On the other, the rigid norms about masculinity that impose precise standards on those attracted to men about what a man “should be” physically. A cisgender gay man attracted to a trans man may feel judged by the gay community. A heterosexual woman attracted to a trans man may receive comments questioning the heterosexuality of the relationship. In both cases, the judgment comes from a rigid and limited understanding of gender.

A 2023 study on the experiences of discrimination and support among trans people in relationships with cisgender men documented that many trans people and their partners experience double discrimination, rejected by both the mainstream heterosexual community and, in some cases, the LGBTQ+ community [9].

Attraction and fetishization: the difference that matters

Being attracted to a trans man is not fetishism. But the boundary exists, and recognizing it is important both for those who feel attraction and for the trans men who receive it.

What fetishization is

A 2021 study published in the Journal of Sex Research analyzed the experiences of fetishization among transgender and nonbinary people [2]. The research identified a clear boundary: fetishization occurs when sexual interest is directed not at the person as a whole, but at the very fact that they are trans. In practice, the trans person is reduced to their transgender status, their trans body, their medical history, or their “difference” from cisgender people.

Participants described fetishization as the experience of being treated like a sexual object, a fetish, or a curiosity, rather than as people with an identity, a history, and feelings [2]. “They were talking to me as if I were a sex toy,” reported one participant, “as if being transgender was simply for someone else’s enjoyment.”

How to recognize it

The difference between attraction and fetishization manifests in concrete behaviors:

• Attraction: you want to get to know the person, their interests, their dreams, their personality. The fact that they are trans is part of their story, not the only thing you are interested in.
• Fetishization: your interest centers on the trans body, the transition, medical or surgical details. You specifically seek out trans people because being transgender itself excites you, regardless of who the person is.

A 2024 study on the relational experiences of trans and nonbinary people found that 30.1% of fetishization situations reported occurred on dating apps, confirming that the digital context amplifies this phenomenon [7].

The whole-person test

If you are wondering “am I fetishizing?”, ask yourself these questions: would you be interested in this person even if they were not trans? Are you interested in their opinion on things? Would you want to introduce them to your friends? Do you respect them when they set limits on what they are willing to share about their body or medical history? If the answers are affirmative, your interest is probably attraction, not fetishism.

The visibility of trans men: a representation problem

If you recently learned about the existence of trans men, you are not late: the problem is that no one told you before.

Media invisibility

A 2024 comparative analysis of newspaper headlines in Europe found that trans women are mentioned at least twice as often as trans men in all countries analyzed [5]. This disparity does not reflect numerical reality — trans men and trans women exist in similar proportions — but a media bias that privileges the stories of trans women, often sensationally, and renders trans men virtually invisible.

A 2019 study on the impact of media representation of trans people showed that the lack of visible role models has concrete consequences: transgender adolescents are less likely than LGB adolescents to have role models, precisely due to poor representation in mainstream media [4]. For trans men, this invisibility is even more pronounced.

Consequences of invisibility

Low visibility of trans men produces cascading effects. Less representation means less public understanding, which means more stigma, which means more isolation for both trans men and those attracted to them. If you have never seen a trans man in a movie, a TV series, or in public life, it is natural that your attraction catches you unprepared. It is not your limitation: it is a limitation of the information you received.

The role of masculinity norms

Precarious masculinity

Cultural norms about masculinity play a significant role in attraction to trans men and, above all, in the difficulty of experiencing it freely. A 2021 study comparing adherence to hegemonic masculinity norms between trans men and cisgender men found an interesting result: trans men scored higher on emotional control and self-reliance, while cisgender men showed greater adherence to norms such as heterosexual self-presentation and power over women [8].

This means that trans men often experience masculinity differently from cisgender men — not necessarily with less intensity, but with greater awareness. Many trans men have had to actively choose what being a man means to them, a process that not all cisgender men go through consciously.

Masculinity and validation

For those attracted to a trans man, it is important to understand that attraction can be an important source of validation. Being desired as a man confirms the person’s gender identity. At the same time, the pressure to “prove” one’s masculinity through cisgender standards (height, build, deep voice, genital appearance) can generate anxiety and insecurity. A healthy relationship recognizes the trans man as a man without requiring that his body meet specific criteria.

Building healthy relationships

Communication first

Research on relationships with trans people consistently identifies communication as the main protective factor. A 2023 qualitative study on transgender individuals’ experiences on dating apps found that the most satisfying relationships were those in which both partners could speak openly about boundaries, desires, fears, and expectations [6].

This applies particularly to physical intimacy. Every trans man has a different relationship with his body: some are comfortable with certain body parts, others are not. Some have undertaken medical pathways, others have not. Do not assume anything. Ask, listen, respect.

Addressing common concerns

“What if he changes his mind?” Gender identity is not a phase. Research shows very low rates of detransition, and the vast majority of people who detransition do so due to social pressure, not because they changed their identity.

“How do I tell my family?” There is no obligation. Decide with your partner what, how, and when to share. The 2021 study on the relational experiences of trans people and their partners documented that couples who established disclosure boundaries together experienced less relationship stress [12].

“I do not know how intimacy works.” It works like in any relationship: with communication, respect, and mutual curiosity. There are no scripts. Every couple finds their own way.

“I am afraid of others’ judgment.” The fear is understandable, and the stigma is real. But research shows that relationships in which shame guides decisions are relationships that suffer. Couples who face stigma together, with support networks and, when needed, professional help, report relationship satisfaction levels comparable to any other couple [12].

Resources and support

If you are in a relationship with a trans man and seeking support, resources include:

• Infotrans.it — Portal of Italy’s Istituto Superiore di Sanita with information, services, and a map of specialized centers. Website: infotrans.it
• Gay Help Line: 800 713 713 — National toll-free helpline (Italy)
• Trans Lifeline: 877-565-8860 (U.S.)

There is nothing to justify

Attraction to a trans man does not require explanations, apologies, or justifications. It is not a fetish, not a phase, not confusion. It is attraction to a person. Trans men are men, and attraction to them falls within the normal variability of human sexuality [11]. Science confirms it, and the growing number of people who live these relationships openly demonstrates it.

If you feel attraction to a trans man, the only thing you need to ask yourself is the same thing you would ask about any other person: do I respect him? Am I interested in who he is? Am I willing to build something authentic? If the answer is yes, everything else is noise.