Guide for allies

You want to support a transgender person in your life but do not know where to start. Maybe you are afraid of making mistakes, saying the wrong thing, doing more harm than good. This guide exists for exactly that purpose: to give you concrete, research-based tools to be an effective ally — not perfect, but present.

Why allies matter: what the data show

Social support is not a symbolic gesture. For transgender people, having allies has a measurable impact on mental health and quality of life.

A 2018 study from the University of Texas at Austin (Russell et al.) demonstrated that the use of a transgender person’s chosen name across different contexts — school, work, home, friendships — is associated with a 34% reduction in suicidal thoughts and a 65% reduction in suicide attempts compared to those who cannot use their name in any context [4]. The reduction in severe depressive symptoms reaches 71% when the chosen name is respected in all four contexts [4].

Data from the Trevor Project (2024) confirm the picture: 46% of transgender and nonbinary young people seriously considered suicide in the past year [6]. But research also shows that social support — especially from friends and family — is the strongest protective factor. A 2020 study published in the International Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health found that family support has the strongest correlation with reduced anxiety and depression among transgender people [5].

You do not need to be an expert. You need to be present, informed, and willing to learn.

Names and pronouns: the foundation

The first concrete step of allyship is language. Using a trans person’s chosen name and correct pronouns is not a courtesy: it is a recognition of their identity.

How to navigate this

• Ask, if you are unsure. A simple “What pronouns do you use?” is appropriate and appreciated.

• Use the chosen name, always. The previous name (called a deadname) should not be used, not even when referring to the person’s past. Saying “When they used to be called…” is a common mistake that invalidates the person’s identity.

• Practice in private. If you are having difficulty with the new name or pronouns, practice on your own. Tell an anecdote about the person using the correct name and pronouns until they become automatic.

What happens when you make a mistake

You will make mistakes. Everyone does, especially at the beginning. GLAAD’s research indicates a clear approach: correct yourself briefly, apologize, and move on [1]. A “Sorry, she — I mean he” is sufficient. What does not work is turning the mistake into a dramatic scene: prolonged apologies, explanations about why it is hard for you, requests for reassurance. This shifts the attention from the trans person to you, and puts them in the position of having to comfort the person who just hurt them.

A 2023 study published in the International Journal of Transgender Health documented that frequent misgendering — using the wrong pronouns or gender — is associated with higher levels of depression and stress among transgender and nonbinary people [8]. Fifty-nine percent of nonbinary people in the sample were misgendered daily [8]. This is not a matter of excessive sensitivity: it is a repeated experience with a concrete cumulative weight.

What not to ask

GLAAD and most transgender rights organizations agree on a principle: if you would not ask that question to a cisgender person, do not ask it to a trans person [1].

Questions to avoid

• “What was your real name?” The name the person has chosen is their real name. Period.

• “Have you had the surgery?” Questions about genitals, surgical procedures, and the state of someone’s body are invasive. You would not ask a cisgender colleague about the details of their anatomy. The GLAAD Media Reference Guide specifies that these questions are inappropriate because they arise from morbid curiosity and distract from seeing the person in their entirety [2].

• “But what were you like before?” Questions about life before transition — what they looked like as a child, how they dressed — may seem innocent but often communicate the message that the “previous” version was the authentic one.

• “How do you have sex?” A trans person’s sex life is not your business, exactly as it is for anyone else.

The practical rule

If the person wants to share details about their transition, their history, or their body, they will do so on their own. Your job is not to ask, but to create a space where they can speak freely if they choose to.

Allies at work

The workplace presents specific challenges. According to the U.S. Transgender Survey of 2022, 11% of trans people lost a job because of their gender identity, and 48% of those who accessed healthcare services reported at least one negative experience related to being transgender [9].

The Human Rights Campaign Foundation has published detailed guidelines for transgender inclusion in the workplace [7]. Here is how to translate them into concrete actions for an ally:

Practical actions

• Use the correct name and pronouns in professional communications. Emails, meetings, presentations: every context counts. If the person has not yet come out to the entire team, ask them how they would like to proceed.

• Include your pronouns in your email signature and profile. Normalizing the practice of sharing pronouns reduces the pressure on trans people, who will not be the only ones doing so.

• Speak up when you hear inappropriate comments. Do not wait for the trans person to have to defend themselves. An “I do not think that is an appropriate comment” from a cisgender colleague often has more impact — and costs less emotionally — than a response from the person directly involved.

• Respect privacy. Do not reveal a colleague’s transgender status without their explicit consent. Outing — whether voluntary or accidental — can have serious professional and personal consequences.

• Support inclusive policies. Ask your company to include gender identity in anti-discrimination policies, ensure access to bathrooms based on declared gender identity, and cover transition-related healthcare in company benefits [7].

Allies in the family

If a family member has come out as transgender, your support is particularly important. Data from the Family Acceptance Project show that LGBTQ+ youth rejected by their families are 8.4 times more likely to attempt suicide than those with accepting families [10]. Family acceptance predicts greater self-esteem, social support, and overall health [10].

What to do concretely

• Start using the correct name and pronouns right away. Even if it is hard, even if it feels strange. Russell’s study (2018) demonstrates that the use of the chosen name in the family context is one of the settings with the greatest protective impact on mental health [4].

• Educate yourself on your own. Do not turn your child, sibling, or cousin into your sole source of information about trans people. Read, watch documentaries, consult resources like this site. The APA guidelines emphasize the importance of educating yourself independently so as not to burden the transgender person with the weight of others’ education [3].

• Give yourself time, but do not use it as an excuse. Feeling confused, worried, or mourning the expectations you had is human. But your emotional process should not become an obstacle for the person who needs your support right now. Seek help from a therapist or support groups to process your emotions in an appropriate space. (In Italy, AGEDO — the Association of Parents of LGBTQ+ People — offers such groups.)

• Defend the trans person in extended family settings. Holiday dinners with the relative who “does not understand” should not become a battlefield for the trans person. Take the initiative: talk to relatives yourself, correct wrong pronouns, set boundaries.

• Do not condition your love. “I love you anyway” implies there is something to forgive. Better: “I love you, and I am here for you.”

Speaking against transphobia

Being an ally also means taking a stand when trans people are not in the room. This is the most uncomfortable aspect of allyship, and also the most necessary.

Concrete situations

• Transphobic jokes. Do not laugh. A simple “I do not find that funny” is sufficient. You do not have to give a speech: often it is enough to break the complicit silence.

• Misinformation. When someone states false things about transgender people — “it is a trend,” “they do it for attention,” “children cannot know who they are” — respond calmly and with facts. You do not need to win a debate: you need to make it clear that those statements do not go unnoticed.

• Discriminatory policies. Vote, sign petitions, participate in initiatives for trans rights. Allyship is not just interpersonal: it is also political. In Italy, where there is still no law that explicitly protects transgender people from discrimination based on gender identity, civic support is particularly important.

• Media and social media. Share accurate content about transgender people. Report misinformation. Amplify the voices of trans people instead of speaking on their behalf.

Supporting without centering yourself

There is a mistake that many well-intentioned allies make: making the trans person’s experience about themselves. GLAAD emphasizes this point in its resources for allies: being an ally is an action, not an identity. It is not something you are; it is something you do [1].

What this means in practice

• Do not seek recognition. Using the correct pronouns does not deserve an award. It is the bare minimum.

• Do not speak on behalf of trans people. Your role is to amplify their voices, not replace them. If you are in a conversation about trans rights and a trans person is present, create space for them to speak.

• Do not use your friendship with a trans person as a credential. “I have a trans friend, so…” is not an argument. Your proximity to a trans person does not make you an expert nor does it immunize you from making mistakes.

• Accept criticism. If a trans person tells you that something you did or said was offensive, listen. The right response is not “but my intentions were good.” Intentions matter, but impact matters more.

Educating yourself: an ongoing process

Allyship is not a goal achieved once and for all. The APA’s 2015 guidelines for practice with transgender people emphasize the importance of continuing education and staying current on the experiences of transgender and gender nonconforming people [3]. The same principle applies to allies.

How to keep learning

• Read and listen to content produced by trans people. Trans people are the best sources on their own experience. Follow transgender activists, writers, and creators.

• Acknowledge your limits. You do not know everything, and that is fine. GLAAD recommends admitting when you do not know something rather than making assumptions that may be incorrect or offensive [1].

• Update your language. Terminology evolves. What was considered appropriate ten years ago may no longer be. Stay current by reading updated resources from leading organizations.

• Watch out for tokenism. Supporting trans people does not mean expecting every trans person to represent the entire community, or asking a single person to educate you on every aspect of the transgender experience.

Resources

For those who want to go deeper and take concrete action:

For education

• Infotrans.it — A portal by Italy’s Istituto Superiore di Sanita (National Institute of Health) with information on legal, healthcare, and support pathways for transgender people and their families.
• Traidue.com — This site: research-based articles on transgender topics.

For support

• AGEDO (Association of Parents of LGBTQ+ People) — Support groups for parents and family members of LGBTQ+ people, including transgender people. (Italy-specific resource.)
• MIT - Movimento Identita Trans — Based in Bologna, it is the oldest transgender rights organization in Italy (founded in 1979). It offers counseling, peer support, and guidance.
• Arcigay — Present across Italy with counseling and guidance services.
• Parks - Liberi e Uguali — An organization that works with companies to create inclusive work environments. (Italy-specific resource.)

In case of emergency

• Gay Help Line: 800 713 713 (toll-free and anonymous, Italy)
• Telefono Amico: 02 2327 2327 (Italy)
• Trans Lifeline: 877-565-8860 (U.S.)
• Trevor Project: 1-866-488-7386 (U.S.)

The point

Being an ally does not require perfection. It requires presence, humility, and the willingness to keep learning. The data are clear: social support — from friends, family, colleagues — is the strongest protective factor for the mental health of transgender people [5]. Every time you use the correct name, correct a wrong pronoun, or speak up in the face of a transphobic comment, you are doing something concrete.

You do not need to be loud. You need to be consistent.